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Travel books will tell you all about the food, culture, and language of Thailand, but the nitty-gritty of daily life doesn't tend to reveal itself in these descriptions. For instance, nobody talks about bathrooms. This may seem like a weird blog topic, but the Thai bathroom experience is (to Westerners) bizarre enough to merit a walkthrough.

A typical Thai bathroom, whether in an average working-class home or business, is to Western eyes a truly horrible affair. First of all, there's often no toilet, or at least none that fits the American definition of that word. Instead, there's a porcelain bowl on the floor, elevated only a few inches. If you happen to be a man with only a brief bathroom necessity, the initial step poses few obstacles. However, for women and for men in need of a sit-down, this is a bit of a process. You have to straddle this bowl and, for lack of a less hideous word, squat. Not such an issue with skirts, but if you've got pants on you have the additional challenge of pulling them far down enough to be in the clear, but not so far as to interfere with the squatting action or to be on the (inevitably filthy) floor. The real difficulty here is getting through this without urinating on your own shoes or clothing.

Now that you've finished, you need to move on to cleanup. Thing is, the Thai sewer system is not nearly so advanced as to allow for the flushing of things like toilet paper. If you try, the results will be disastrous. You will therefore encounter one of two situations. You may be expected to use the provided toilet paper and deposit it into a wastebasket. This wastebasket will be full of the used toilet paper of previous visitors, and the room will smell accordingly. The more likely circumstance is the absence of toilet paper. In this case, it's bum gun time.

The bum gun, a space-saving cousin of the European bidet, is a three-foot hose with a head like those dishwashing nozzles you'll sometimes see on a kitchen sink. It's generally installed right next to the toilet (or squatty bowl thing, as the case may be). This is your TP substitute. If the water has run out, as Thai water supply is wont to do, you're simply out of luck. Should have checked that before you got started.

If you're lucky enough to have had water at a decent pressure, you're on to the flush. (No, you don't get to dry off. This is Thailand. You were already drenched in sweat and monsoon rain anyway.) Now, the mini-potty doesn't have a tank. It's nothing but a bowl set on top of a pipe in the ground. This means no handly flush button. Next to the bum gun there will be be a bucket full of water with a tupperware bowl floating on top. You scoop up the water with the bowl and pour it into the "toilet," effectively flushing it. Were you wondering why the floor is completely soaked? Were you concerned that it was urine that was soaking into your shoes and the ends of your jeans? Partially, yeah, it probably was. But it was also the spilled water that results when people get this step wrong. Because it will splash. On the floor, and on you.

You're done. Get out. No, you're not washing your hands, where do you think you are?